I’m in Christmas elf mode, trotting around thinking of stockings and toys (no, not that kind, 50 shades readers), trees and lights. Then I thought about wrapping paper- what if it did rap? It’s a concept to fill you with horror. Unsuspecting, you reach for a roll of festive foil and it vocalises loudly in demi-song:

Grab me baby, pull me tight

I’ll wrap your presents and future. Right!

My job is done if it’s out of sight

It’s a wrap, baby. Whaddaya mean this is trite?

For rapping it seems that if it rhymes, it’s okay to bung it in, even if it makes no sense at all. Thus:

The first rule of rapping is there are no rules, schools, fools or tools

Who needs sense when rhyme reigns?

This wrapping paper

It makes a statement

No longer rustles

That’s noise abatement

Let’s have world peace

And end the hatement

Will said “yes”, and

That’s what Kate meant

Or even:

Want to do my job

Yo! Pass the Sello

Fat sticky tape

Clearly wicked if yellow

When we’ve finished

We’ll have some Jello

Accompanied by

A soothing cello

Am feeling calm

And kind of mellow

It gets even looser, in that words can rhyme with themselves

I think I’ll go out

To a lake and row out

Some seeds I’ll sow out

In spring they’ll blow out

I’m over and so out

Maybe even:

This song is Arap

All good music Brap

Oh, ok, that’s C-rap

Also, ‘yo’ must be included whenever possible; we need colour and validity here:

It’s Christmas,

So be jolly, yo.

Yo can’t be sad

Playing wit a yo-yo.

When you feel bad

(That’s good, you know)

Let’s go to Santa’s

Grotto ho ho.

I’m loving this; to talk rubbish, in a song that you speak, communicating unintelligibly, words coming out faster than presents from a sled. (One night; whole world. Impressive.)

I’ll spend my life

Just talking in rhyme

I find the experience

Truly sublime

Lime rhymes with lemon

And melon too

This rap’s fruit salad

Thus ends this ballad.

Yo.