Haggis Semi-urban

Following my last haggis blog, several people pointed out that my knowledge of haggii was clearly double that of the general population as I knew two facts about delicious meat and oat animals and most people  only know one. This vast increase in knowledge comes from the lucky fact that I have a small colony of bald (Kojak) haggii living nearby. They are shy creatures, but owing to extensive research and time input, comprising almost an hour, I’ve managed to capture the native haggis on film, illustrating where to look for them if you choose to join in with the annual August Haggis Hunt.

 The jumping haggis is a very rare breed and can be very tricky to spot as, although haggii have negative chameleon abilities, they are clever at finding trees that match their native colour. This one didn’t; he is now an integral part of Rover the Rottweiler.


 As a haggis’s legs are longer on one side, it jumps obliquely, so getting down from the tree presents a major problem. Their short legs mean very little spring either for leaping or landing, so they use the dangerous jump and roll technique, launching themselves out of their perch with a swift push, landing on one shoulder and rolling away; the SAS of the haggis world. Owing to the hazardous nature of this procedure, they usually dismount from trees at night when fewer natural predators are around. If startled when napping during the day, they may perform an accidental drop which, in urban areas, might result in a haggis road kill.


 On a happier note, they have found fame, although for each one only fleetingly, as Marilyn Munroe was very fond of haggis and ate tiny ones as cocktail bites, enjoying sharing the bigger ones at parties.



They are proud of this heritage, having seen parts of Marilyn Monroe that no one else ever has; some only oesophageal glimpses, the more acid resistant ones enjoying the full gastric experience.

The genetics of a haggis are strange and complex, but you can cross a haggis with a human in rare circumstances, producing a Humaggis:


 This particular Humaggis, Cerebrus Giganticum, had a very sad family history. Following an argument between the families of his father, Clyde McHaggis and his mother, Notso Bonnie, he ended up as an orphaned Humaggis, owing to a gangland shoot-out.


 The urban haggis is very wily, sneaking into dwellings or restaurants, rat-like, and can be found scurrying around, looking for food such as oats, onions or herbs.


 Some can be affectionate, suitable for domestication, even cultured: the Haggis Semi-Urbane. This bold one took up residence as a family pet, living with his best mate Albina. The relationship turned out to be as successful as that between the average fox and rooster: very satisfying, but only for one of them.


 Haggii with residual gills, leftover from primeval swamp days, may exist underwater, for example in a swimming pool or an aquarium (haggis pesces imitans) and can live peaceably side-by-side with most fish, although notably not the piranha.


 Haggii are complex characters: wily, bold, courageous, savage creatures. It has been said that you are never more than 6 feet away from a haggis. One may be watching you now, so decide quickly: fried or foe?



April 2014


About alisongardiner1

Writer of YA series of books. Broadcaster/podcaster Litopia After Dark.
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